Yesterday Sinatra and I were trolling grocery store aisles when a pile of perfect macaroons caught my attention. They were lilac, pale green and a soft buttery yellow. My current eating plan calls for one small dessert treat each week and I was already dreaming of vanilla soft serve at the beach, so I kept walking.
The macaroons were still on my mind when I rounded the ‘seasonal’ aisle and the coveted bubbles now discounted to $0.88 per bottle. As I was loading bubbles into my cart I noticed a Pixie Hollow sand pail and quicker than you can say Phil Dunphy my mind was firing and weaving loose connections.
The macaroons would be perfect for a sophisticated Pixie Party. I have a lovely milk glass cake stand that would make an amazing dessert party focal feature, scatter tiny fairy lights on the kitchen island, bunches of hydrangea from the garden at the long end, pitcher of lemonade at the other with small bowls of fruit and a muddler et voila instant lemonade bar. I was moving to menu planning and a guest list when I stopped myself.
I was currently planning a party to celebrate a life milestone for a person and her child (hence the original pixie connection) I am not even sure actually likes me. This person has always been friendly in my company, but mysteriously never follows up to book the play date she is always sure to mention – loudly so others know ‘She really wants to get together it’s always such fun.’ Intuitive person I am I always go into a social setting with her armed with three or so dates to toss out when she makes this grand announcement. This way the folks in ear shot know I’m not the person doing the blowing off, here. Would I follow through if she was actually ever free – why yes, I would. But, I also know those dates will never work for her… even if they do fit her schedule they won’t work. There is always a reason not to, unless of course she is on the receiving end of something – then it’s all good.
Why do we do this? I find myself seriously questioning why the desire is so strong that we court a person who may not actually want to spend time with us? It is playing hard to get that attracts us? Do we feel like we need to ‘win’ them over? To prove our own worth?
To be honest, She isn’t someone I’m entirely comfortable around. I’m extremely guarded and feel that every parenting decision I make is being judged – harshly. She’s made some caustic comments and it brings out a level of sarcasm in me that is downright chilling to hear. It’s even chilling for me to hear myself say these things! She once called into question that we let Sinatra participate in pizza night by (gasp) eating pizza that doesn’t include organic tomato sauce (I use only La Valle San Marzano tomatoes, try them you’ll thank me). First of all I am an Italian American – 100% Italian ancestry – so picking on my tomato choices is inches short of a declaration of war. I get snarky (and though I’ve fired a few really nice zingers in her direction – because she is such a hypocrite, it’s easy). I don’t want to be snarky. I don’t want my child to see Mommy filled with snark and rage. The snark and rage are mine and letting an imaginary list of motherhood crimes she has compiled against me bring them out is, quite simply, silly.
So I cancelled the party. I continued shopping and pondered this question: Why go so far for a person best considered an acquaintance? Because it’s a life milestone? If I call her to offer good wishes I’ll get voicemail. If I text the note will be returned days later with some excuse or other about how she and her phone were separated. So, why bother? She is making it quite plain that I am not a priority in her life – why elevate her?
Thursday was a day of epic Motherhood Challenges… I spoke to not one but three dear friends during the course of the day – including one who insisted I come to her house since I was so close. Sinatra delighted in her dogs and she patched me up and restored my faith in myself as a Mother. Seriously that was no easy task and she is a rock star Mom but never, ever has judged me. I poured my angst and anxiety out on her kitchen table and she picked it up, tossed it in the trash and filled that empty space by noting all the gifts Sinatra and I give one another.
Why am I not planning a party for these ladies? Why not have a tea party for the true friends in our life who we don’t hold back with? They people we love and are loved by so very much that they say “Come over. I’m cleaning… but who cares!!” The friends who answer our text messages instantly and pass on corny email jokes.
There is a point to my long ramble. First being a life coach doesn’t make you immune to making mistakes. Not as a Mom. Not as a friend – not as a hostess. Cut yourself a very large break and regroup – calling on real, true friends. Gather those friends you really treasure and keep them close. Make an effort to laugh with them, serve them lemonade and use them as an excuse to throw fun parties. Those people you’re simply cordial with – they won’t like you any more after you host elaborate events in their honor so save the time, effort and ultimate disappointment.